i go walking before midnight

So I'm taking a walk to think and talk to God. We're talking about what I'm struggling with and it hits me. This guy that I'm talking to (God) was the one who wrote it all. History, I mean. Umm, er- well, He wrote it when it was the future. So...yeah. He wrote it. Future history. Anyway what I'm saying is that everything that takes place, the good and the bad. He wrote it way before it ever came to pass. So before I lost my job, before Jacob was born, before I had to move, God lead me to go Bosnia- all of it. This is what happened.

Way back before there was time, God the master designer and planner made a plan. He decided that there was going to be no other than Him and no one was going to be able to receive as much praise and high fives as Him, so He had this plan to make sure that everyone- even the angels knew how Awesome He is. The earth was created and sin entered the world. People were made for relationship, though. And with someone in particular- God. Having this planned all along, God is very patient and watches as men and women devise all sorts of things that could make them happy, because like you and me, we all know something is missing. So we look until we think we find something, and then when it doesn't keep us happy anymore we move on to something else. But the whole time men and women are following this vicious cycle. Even His chosen people, the Jews, who constantly had someone that God would speak through to them to tell them His plan, missed what life is truly all about. So finally, according to "the plan" God decides to send His Son whom He loves to earth, the way we all came, as a baby.

This specific baby was not born at a hospital, or rushed to the NICU because he was too little. He did not have tubes shoved down his nose and throat. Nor did he weigh in at a little over 2.5lbs, like my nephew. No- He was a perfect baby. He must have grown up asking God why His father, Joseph just wasn't as great of a Dad as God was. But like us He was born with a specific purpose. Hew was here to do one job. The one thing that every human feared more than anything else. Not to die. He was sent to grow up and then be rejected by His friends, His brothers and even those He did not know. And then in the middle of this horrific humiliation- His perfect Father turned His back on Him because that was what his job required. For this man, Jesus, was covered with everything that was wrong and unjust. Every hateful word and deed. Every thought that was not loving. Everything that was horrible in the sight of a righteous and perfect God, from the beginning to the end,was placed onto Jesus as he took the penalty that I had earned, for because of my filth and hate and imperfection I had earned death. But instead while I was still in my filth and selfishness, Jesus took it on himself for me. He did the job and did it well! He died a criminal's death, was buried, but the tomb could not hold onto the Son of God. He rose from the dead and 40 days later went back to be with His Father.

All this was part of the plan. The plan for me to have a relationship. Yes, communication, conversation, time, and compromise- a real relationship with the creator of the universe. And these things that I often let my focus rest on: a job, a place to live, sickness, and struggles, are on purpose. They are not in hate, but in love that I might see what I can not handle and run back to my relationship with the One that can- the Savior. So I may not be able to change it, and it may not be the way that I would have planned, but it is the way that I choose. For without Him I would still be lost, confused, running after the things that I think will make me happy. Forsaking the One thing that will.
but if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin 1 John 1:7

a Bummer and a Blessing

I thought I was finally getting acquainted with good days and bad days and a little of both. Today, however, when we found out that Jacob was not going to be able to come home on Saturday and that they put him on oxygen I was really frustrated and down. I thought he was doing better, he had failed his car seat test because he has trouble breathing in that particular position, but I didn't know that he would require full-time oxygen to help him breathe. I think the fact that he had not needed respiratory assistance from the beginning except for about 24 hours was something I had held onto like an anchor in the middle of all this new vocabulary and changing statuses. Whatever it was it hit me hard. The other thing is that I was driving down to GA state to do some hanging out with students and training in evangelism and I really could not focus on it, I needed to focus on what the Lord was leading me through for the next couple hours.

Which leads me to the blessing- just the unbelievable peace and assurance of my faith as I was able to have conversations with several different people who have completely different stories and backgrounds than I do. It was fun! Yes I actually enjoyed striking up conversations with people using some photographs and talking to them about their life and sharing a little of mine. The unbelievable blessing of giving away what has been giving to me and the timely distraction to do something that I would have to rely on God for instead of wallowing in my frustration and questions. One more day, one more way to trust the Lord.

...and hope does not disappoint

With the craziness of life as it is I realized that I forgot to let everyone know what was on the "down low" for awhile: I applied for an International internship with Campus Crusade for Christ before I was laid off and it looks like it's going to happen- the slightly tricky part is that it doesn't start until August. So I'm still looking for a job, logging it for the Ga DOL, helping Audri out and hanging with JD, etc. I am officially moved into my new home- the downstairs basement apartment of my friend April's house (Thanks, friend!) and I love it! Oh and I'm moving to, of all places- Bosnia! Wait I don't speak Bosnian, Lord what are you thinking???

I'm able to be more involved on campus with the chicas at GSU and I am really enjoying getting to know and grow with them. We are part of an on-campus Bible study in the dorms that is now student-led. The girls are finding out how much fun I was having when I was helping to moderate these Biblical discussions. Also several girls are spending consistent time weekly going a little deeper in their faith and learning about evangelism and meeting new people to share their faith with. I'm in there with them and learning right along side them- hopefully I'm going to learn to lead as well! My friend Rachel who is on staff with CRU is challenging me in new ways to become more like Christ and I am enjoying watching God work through me and change me, well, most of the time anyway.

Oh yeah- and Jacob is supposed to leave the hospital and go home this weekend!!! Pray that this happens and that he doesn't keep spitting up and blocking his breathing.
"You are good and the source of good, guide me in Your goodness." Ps.119:68Msg

Anything else...Bring it on!! Ok just kidding.

I am always amazed at God's timing and the ways He chooses to use me. Not long after I was laid off from my job, my brother and sister-in-law had their second beautiful boy, but this one was born at 34 weeks 6 days gestation. In essence Jacob Andrew Cook was early. We were kind of expecting this, but were hoping that with "Baby Jacob's" birth would come answers as to why he was developing slowly In Utero and what the course of treatment would be.
Here we are three weeks later and aren't very much closer to knowing what's going on, but we hope in Jesus who does not disappoint and are so thankful that he is breathing on his own and learning to take a bottle in place of continuous tube feedings. He is also awake for a little more time everyday and is the cutest baby, and the smallest you have ever seen, weighing in at 3lbs, 7.4oz.
Check out their blog: http://www.jcookclan.blogspot.com

God provided me the time to be able to help out during this crazy time with Audri staying at my house and JD, my older nephew comes over for frequent visits to "Hala's house."

While this 3-ring circus is going on I'm looking for a job and because of my lack of income, moving out of my first "own place." God has graciously provided yet again for my needs with a basement apartment for me to live in that belongs to some friends from my church! "I feel upheaval in my life in every area," my sister-in-law, Audri, and I were talking about this last night, "But I feel like God is continually providing for all my needs." He is providing me a place to stay, food to eat, emotional support, people to help me move, accountability during this stressful time, a place to serve and people to love and be loved in return. He is so faithful!

I was able to go to Preview Weekend with Campus Crusade for Christ, the company I'm working with on campus at Georgia State University and it was an awesome time of encouragement and a break for everything that is going on. It was a great time of fellowship, answered questions, and affirmation that everything that is going on in my life is for a reason and is not an accident.

Where did it GO?

I find it sort of ironic that I wrote about "living the dream" in my last post, oh so long ago because that life completely changed for me last week. I got laid off from my first job. I remember feeling very shocked because I had no prior warning, but other than that I felt pretty much hopeful that I would find another one until this past Wednesday. I heard that the state of GA had a hiring freeze in effect until June so I decided to go ahead and file unemployment, yet another first.
But despite all the changes that are the effect of losing my job: moving, loss of income, loss of interaction with people every day, I choose to trust God.
"This is not the way I would have chosen, but He leads me through a world that's not my home. He never said it would be easy, but He said I'd never go alone.

I'm reminded of this Ginny Owens song as I again adjust my focus onto His face, a leaving the worries and challenges to fend for themselves for a time. I do not understand why my Heavenly Father has allowed this, or what He is leading my on to do, but I do know that I am not forgotten. This was not accident and although it was a shock to me, he was in no way surprised by me losing my job and he is not scrounging around for me a place to live or some sort of income. He has already provided for all my needs. I am His daughter and He has no plans of leaving me where I am or separating Himself from me.
So yesterday as I awoke to go stand in line with many other Georgians who had similarly lost there jobs, I was reminded that this is just one more side street on the journey of my life. This is not an end, or even a detour, this is the road of my life that my Father has ordained my steps on, I just can't see what's at the next intersection yet.

Living the Dream...

My friend, Kelly, and I have this saying whenever we start to feel down talking about all thing new things in our lives and all the bills we have to pay and the great salary that we don't have yet- we say we're "livin' the dream." The dream is to have an education in something, have a regular job, and a place to live that has a different address than your parents, bills to pay, and they ever coveted FREEDOM!!

No one ever told us that this phase of live comes with responsibility out the wazoo, big questions to answer, life decisions to make, and everything else that comes with everyday life! You know laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, keeping up with car maintenance, you know all the little things that just get done when you live at home and no one really pays attention.

Well- I've arrived- I've officially lived on my own for over six months. I have paid bills, kept my house clean (mostly), even managed to cook often enough, but I really don't feel like I've arrived. Sometimes I miss the schedule of school- staying up late, hanging out with people. One thing I am doing this semester (see I still measure time like I'm in school.) that I'm excited about it hanging out with students again at Georgia State. Since that is where I graduated from I have a vested interest in what happens on the campus. I helping out with the weekly Bible Study that is now Student-led!!!! I am also looking forward to hanging out with students and growing with them in their walk with Christ.
So amid the monotony of getting up and doing the same thing all day everyday, five days a week, I can definitely see God using me right where I am, and pushing me forward.

iM gEttIng diZZy

I'm always doing something- or planning something to do. If I'm not at work then I'm doing something because I'm frustrated about the amount of time I spend by myself and I would rather be with people hanging out so I find someone to hang out with. Then I wear myself out to where all I want to do is go home and be by myself.
You see the problem here?
On top of this I feel guilty for doing to much or too little or wanting a break or not wanting to take a break or...I'm sure at this point whoever is reading this is stressed out just hearing this.
Ere go... Rest.

You know, like when you go to sleep and wake up many hours later. You wake up slowly, the sun is streaming through the window. You have a new take on the life you left for your slumber. This was no ordinary night, you feel ready to face the day. You feel confident, excited, purposeful. What you are supposed to feel after taking a break to relax and rejuvenate your body and mind.

"Come to me all who are weary and have heavy burden and I will give you REST!" Mt.11:28

That kind of rest. The kind where you have forgotten about the difficulties you face everyday and are unafraid to face Monday morning even if you are running a little late.

My Father in heaven whispers to me over and over, " Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."


I need to stop doing God's work with my own might. That burden is too heavy. I need to exchange my burden that I place on myself for the one that my Father in heaven has chosen for me. The one that I can only carry with his help because He is the one walking through this journey with me, day by day moment by moment, failure and triumph.
He beckons me to take rest in Him and let Him provide for my worrying mind.
For the future.
For this moment.
For the impossible.
For the possible.
So I choose HIS rest. Ah, sweet rest- like no other. Refreshing rest that flows over me like a fountain. Like sitting on a mountain with the wind blowing on my face. Leaving me more energized than I was before.

Rest.