i go walking before midnight

So I'm taking a walk to think and talk to God. We're talking about what I'm struggling with and it hits me. This guy that I'm talking to (God) was the one who wrote it all. History, I mean. Umm, er- well, He wrote it when it was the future. So...yeah. He wrote it. Future history. Anyway what I'm saying is that everything that takes place, the good and the bad. He wrote it way before it ever came to pass. So before I lost my job, before Jacob was born, before I had to move, God lead me to go Bosnia- all of it. This is what happened.

Way back before there was time, God the master designer and planner made a plan. He decided that there was going to be no other than Him and no one was going to be able to receive as much praise and high fives as Him, so He had this plan to make sure that everyone- even the angels knew how Awesome He is. The earth was created and sin entered the world. People were made for relationship, though. And with someone in particular- God. Having this planned all along, God is very patient and watches as men and women devise all sorts of things that could make them happy, because like you and me, we all know something is missing. So we look until we think we find something, and then when it doesn't keep us happy anymore we move on to something else. But the whole time men and women are following this vicious cycle. Even His chosen people, the Jews, who constantly had someone that God would speak through to them to tell them His plan, missed what life is truly all about. So finally, according to "the plan" God decides to send His Son whom He loves to earth, the way we all came, as a baby.

This specific baby was not born at a hospital, or rushed to the NICU because he was too little. He did not have tubes shoved down his nose and throat. Nor did he weigh in at a little over 2.5lbs, like my nephew. No- He was a perfect baby. He must have grown up asking God why His father, Joseph just wasn't as great of a Dad as God was. But like us He was born with a specific purpose. Hew was here to do one job. The one thing that every human feared more than anything else. Not to die. He was sent to grow up and then be rejected by His friends, His brothers and even those He did not know. And then in the middle of this horrific humiliation- His perfect Father turned His back on Him because that was what his job required. For this man, Jesus, was covered with everything that was wrong and unjust. Every hateful word and deed. Every thought that was not loving. Everything that was horrible in the sight of a righteous and perfect God, from the beginning to the end,was placed onto Jesus as he took the penalty that I had earned, for because of my filth and hate and imperfection I had earned death. But instead while I was still in my filth and selfishness, Jesus took it on himself for me. He did the job and did it well! He died a criminal's death, was buried, but the tomb could not hold onto the Son of God. He rose from the dead and 40 days later went back to be with His Father.

All this was part of the plan. The plan for me to have a relationship. Yes, communication, conversation, time, and compromise- a real relationship with the creator of the universe. And these things that I often let my focus rest on: a job, a place to live, sickness, and struggles, are on purpose. They are not in hate, but in love that I might see what I can not handle and run back to my relationship with the One that can- the Savior. So I may not be able to change it, and it may not be the way that I would have planned, but it is the way that I choose. For without Him I would still be lost, confused, running after the things that I think will make me happy. Forsaking the One thing that will.
but if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin 1 John 1:7

a Bummer and a Blessing

I thought I was finally getting acquainted with good days and bad days and a little of both. Today, however, when we found out that Jacob was not going to be able to come home on Saturday and that they put him on oxygen I was really frustrated and down. I thought he was doing better, he had failed his car seat test because he has trouble breathing in that particular position, but I didn't know that he would require full-time oxygen to help him breathe. I think the fact that he had not needed respiratory assistance from the beginning except for about 24 hours was something I had held onto like an anchor in the middle of all this new vocabulary and changing statuses. Whatever it was it hit me hard. The other thing is that I was driving down to GA state to do some hanging out with students and training in evangelism and I really could not focus on it, I needed to focus on what the Lord was leading me through for the next couple hours.

Which leads me to the blessing- just the unbelievable peace and assurance of my faith as I was able to have conversations with several different people who have completely different stories and backgrounds than I do. It was fun! Yes I actually enjoyed striking up conversations with people using some photographs and talking to them about their life and sharing a little of mine. The unbelievable blessing of giving away what has been giving to me and the timely distraction to do something that I would have to rely on God for instead of wallowing in my frustration and questions. One more day, one more way to trust the Lord.

...and hope does not disappoint

With the craziness of life as it is I realized that I forgot to let everyone know what was on the "down low" for awhile: I applied for an International internship with Campus Crusade for Christ before I was laid off and it looks like it's going to happen- the slightly tricky part is that it doesn't start until August. So I'm still looking for a job, logging it for the Ga DOL, helping Audri out and hanging with JD, etc. I am officially moved into my new home- the downstairs basement apartment of my friend April's house (Thanks, friend!) and I love it! Oh and I'm moving to, of all places- Bosnia! Wait I don't speak Bosnian, Lord what are you thinking???

I'm able to be more involved on campus with the chicas at GSU and I am really enjoying getting to know and grow with them. We are part of an on-campus Bible study in the dorms that is now student-led. The girls are finding out how much fun I was having when I was helping to moderate these Biblical discussions. Also several girls are spending consistent time weekly going a little deeper in their faith and learning about evangelism and meeting new people to share their faith with. I'm in there with them and learning right along side them- hopefully I'm going to learn to lead as well! My friend Rachel who is on staff with CRU is challenging me in new ways to become more like Christ and I am enjoying watching God work through me and change me, well, most of the time anyway.

Oh yeah- and Jacob is supposed to leave the hospital and go home this weekend!!! Pray that this happens and that he doesn't keep spitting up and blocking his breathing.
"You are good and the source of good, guide me in Your goodness." Ps.119:68Msg